HEY GENTILES READ ON

THE EXPLANATION OF THE CHASSSIDIC CHASUNAH FOR SHTIK HOLLZ SHLEMIEL. MEANING YOU DUMMY!






First, a shidduch or matchmaking occurred when Ofra realized her entire life was consumed by Facebook.

There were no families to meet, but her Motek Cherie a.k.a. Shiksa Bitch the Steel Matzoh has the privilege of announcing the occasion with a virtual vort or reception. The contract called a tenaim has been signed under duress, including water boarding.

Because Ofra the Kallah is so addicted to FB the Chatan, the tradition of not seeing each other for a week is impossible due to puter withdrawals. Thus, no Kabbalat Panin, Folks.

There is a Ashkenazi tradition that both mothers stand together and break a plate. The Shiksa Bitch will rip up a paper plate instead.

To speed things up and because Ofi likes to snack, there will be no Aliyah on Shabbat and no no no fasting.

Next is the bodeken, the veiling of the Kallah (bride) by the Chatan (groom). In this case, Ofra will be veiled in a warm towel heated in a Kosher microwave and draped lovingly on her painful neck.

The ceremony lasts 20-30 minutes, but Ofra’s will be 2-3 minutes tops including the kiddushin and nisuin.

Over a glass of Manischewitz or other cheap wine, Ofra will circle her Dell and type a blessing to her monitor and then her modem.

FB will then place an application of a huge, gigantic, burn your eyes out gaudy, diamond ring on the screen and the text beneath will say “Be sanctified (mekudeshet) to me with this picture of a ring according to the law of Bill Gates and Hewlett-Packard.

After the kiddushin is complete the ketuvah is read aloud. This is boring and will be skipped.

The nisuin then proceeds. The bride and groom stand beneath the chuppah, today it’s an umbrella, and recite the sheva brachos (7 blessings) in the presence of a minyam (if a prayer quorum can’t be found, neighbors, people off the street, or if desperate anyone’s dog or cat will suffice).

Then the wine is swigged down unless someone in the building swiped it.

The groom, with his right foot, smashes a glass. This will be symbolized by the piece of crap computer crashing to represent the destruction of technology.

The couple retire briefly to a completely private room, the cheder yichud (in other words the bathroom).

Then, a festive meal of pasta followed by a repetition of the sheva brakos. Of course, this will be omitted so the party can begin. Exuberant music from a bad ass boombox will blast and dancing will start.

Please note, you won’t hear “Here Comes The Bride” at this ceremony since Wagner the composer was a low-life Anti-Semite. What a Jerk!

So, throw buckets of Jordan Almonds at Ofi and FB and scream with joy “Mazaltov Mazaltov” NOT “Malatov” as in Cocktail or everyone will run for their lives thinking there is a bomb.


THE END
Oye Gevald