HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I want to wish Kathryn Morris a very happy birthday today. It's a big one but, take it from me, one only gets better with age.

"STANFORD" A SHORT STORY

"STANFORD"

I spotted Sarah and Stanford as they ventured out of their building for an early morning walk. What an odd couple!

The dog was a medium sized honey colored mutt, who strutted with a bold bravado. His mistress, a high power oil lobbyist, stood four foot ten, if that, and had to have weighed maybe fifty pounds more than her pooch. She appeared to be no older than a girl in her late teens, despite being thirty-something. Impeccably dressed, at all times, she was very prim and proper.

I'd been introduced to her and the dog at a friend's party. Nothing came of the meeting, but we remained nodding acquaintances.

I watched from about a half block away. The twosome began making the rounds of the neighborhood, stopping here and there for the dog to sniff or piss. Suddenly, Stanford yanked Sarah towards a pile of trash on the curbside. I thought his owner would go flying by the force of the tug. He must have eyed some prize. Maybe, it was a half-eaten bagel or a piece of pizza crust with his name on it. Something, sure as Hell, got his attention. His head was buried in the plastic bag and no amount of pulling on Sarah's part could get him to move away.

"Drop. Drop." I heard her scream sternly. But, her commands fell on deaf ears. Stanford was preoccupied. He was after a treasure and nothing was going to stop him before it was his. God, I hoped he wasn't after a rat or even worse, bum poop.

Sarah blanched. She looked as if she would faint on the spot. "No, Stanford. No!" She yelled, then quickly glanced around to see if anyone was near. I stepped into a doorway and continued spying on them.

The dog proudly lifted his blond head. Success! In his mouth was the trophy. I thought I'd lose it on the spot. It was a foot long dildo.

Needless to say, Sarah was mortified. She tried to cajole him into discarding it. When that didn't work she scolded him harshly. But, he stubbornly refused to listen. As a last resort, she wrapped a poop bag around her hand and attempted to pry the rubber phallus from his jaws. It was a losing battle.

I could only imagine what thoughts were running through her mind. She, probably, was wondering what neighbors would think encountering her and her sex toy toting companion.

I decided to be a Good Samaritan and try to help. "Hey, remember me? What's up?" I said approaching her. She looked as if I had caught her with her hand in the cookie jar. "Oh God, you startled me. It's Cherie, isn't it?" I smiled and nodded. She turned in the direction of her dog and, not meeting my eyes, awkwardly said, "Look at what Stanford's found. It's so revolting. And no matter what I do, he won't give it up." I stifled a laugh. I think that would have put Sarah over the edge.

She glanced at her watch. "What am I going to do? I have to hurry and get to my office for a meeting. But there's no way on earth I'm going into my building and face the doorman, concierge, and elevator operator with Stanford and that thing, that awful thing in his mouth. What if I run into tenants or members of the board? What will they think?"

"Take a breath, Sarah and let me try and get him to give it to me." I bent over and extended my hand towards the dog. He growled menacingly. "Well, that won't work," I said rising. His owner shook her head in defeat and moaned.

"Listen, you don't know me well, but under the circumstances, I think you are going to have to trust me on this one." The woman was eager for any suggestions. "Go and finish getting ready for work. I'll be walking him in the meantime. I'll meet you on the corner and you can give me your keys and apartment number. He'll eventually get tired of holding it and then, I'll get him upstairs." "You'd do that?" "No sweat. My morning's free. I don't have any clients to take out until noonish."

She looked as if I had given her a million dollars as she handed me the leash. "Leave me your number, please. I'll call you when I get home." "No problemo. And I'll give your keys back to the concierge once I get him home safely," I promised.

Sarah rushed back to her place leaving Stanford in my care. "OK, Buster, it's you and me now and I don't embarrass easily. I could give a rat's ass who sees me walking you with your new chew toy. Everyone around here knows I'm a dyke. If they think it's one of mine, so what!"

He pranced at my side for blocks with the play penis clenched between his teeth. We got more than a few double takes as we strolled down Broadway. People were either appalled or amused at the sight of us. It didn't matter. I had an idea.

We walked into Gray's Papaya and I ordered the "two for one" special. "Hold the sauerkraut and relish, please," I requested. The counterman glanced down at Stanford, then up at me. "You want that for here or to go?" He asked nonchalantly. "Make it to go." He rang up and handed me my purchase. As I turned to leave, he called out, "Hey Lady, I don't mean to be nosy, but can I ask you something?" "Why not?" "Well, I was looking at your dog and was wondering." "Yes," I droned. "Is he a Lab mix?" "Yup, he's definitely a retriever," I quipped and left.

Once outside I pulled Stanford over to the curb. "OK, I've had it, Mister. It's time to negotiate." I unwrapped my bribe. "Here, I'll give you a real tasty weenie for the nasty limp one you have." He eyeballed my tempting offer, cocked his head, and thought for a moment. I waved the hot dog past his nose. That's all it took. He couldn't resist. The dildo fell from his lips and bounced into the gutter. I yanked him out of its reach and bent down to give him my part of the bargain.

As my charge was nibbling on the hot dog, I heard, a few feet from me, a startled cry. I turned to see a poodle with Stanford's dildo in his mouth. The confused owner was beside herself with humiliation. I thought about coming to her assistance and offering her the extra weenie I had, but the ordeal with Stanford had worked up my appetite and so, I ate it instead.

After dropping Stanford off, I headed back to my apartment for a well-earned cup of coffee. People think the pet care business is an easy job, but it's dog-eat-dog. And to beat out the competition, you have to go to any length, in this case, twelve inches.

I talked to Sarah later that evening. She couldn't thank me enough. Needless to say, I had a new client. And had I not been so damn hungry, I might have been able to pencil in a certain poodle on the schedule too.

FUNNY WIENER DOG COURTESY OF www.ClipArtOf.com

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I want to express my greatest wish to all of you for a Happy, Healthy, and Wealthy 2009. Like so many, I was surely glad to bid good riddance to 2008 and all the sorrow and pain, frustration and negativity that filled it's 365 days. Let's hope a better tomorrow begins today for us and those we hold dear. I love you.